Category Archives: Accepting Loss

Losing a Beloved One

Grief from the imminent loss of a loved one is so painful. I feel it tearing through my heart and burning my lungs, swelling my eyes and yet, here he lies on the floor in front of me. So much love yet, so much fear of losing this package of unconditional love. So much sadness and joy in both of our eyes. He has brought so much love and joy into my heart and now it is shifting…his body is tired and paining him.

I cannot hold my beloved here in this suffering. Yet, I do not know how to let him go. The thought of his leaving is so painful, yet…to hold him now is with fully open hands. To love him but not cling. To treasure every rise and fall of his breath. He is with me and I with him. We share this painful release together as we have shared most everything together for 16 years.

Oh why must those we love have to leave us? He is my blessing, my love. I have always called him my love. I treasure him beyond all words, thoughts, feelings and actions. Truly there is not much I could say here that would capture the true meaning of his presence in my life. This brave, wonderous, innocent being is my blessing. I have treated him as my prince.

He is a prince among all…still he is my champion as he jumps up goes out and romps in the snow with me. Eyes bright, strong, beautiful stance. I almost forget the pain he is in.

And this is what he wishes for me to forget for mere moments and remember his bright shining presence that has led me out into the world as my copilot for 16 years.
Now I must pick myself up and be strong and find my way without seeing or touching him.

Yet, here he lays by my feet…I treasure this innocence for as long as it may last. Alex died on winter solstice. He was 16 1/2. I hear him at times speaking to me in the most loving ways. I treasure him always…and so he is here in my heart and soul eternally.

The Greatest Companion

Death has a poignant energy that is so powerfully present. It looms dismally, yet it also brings forth deep, immense love. It has felt like the grim reaper were creeping about…just waiting to steal away my loved one.

My beloved companion of 16 years is moving towards his completion.

Our lives together, 16 years minus a few weeks have been with each other every day. Today, as he lay on a pillow elevated his head above his heart, I noticed how presently he watches me. Staring into me, penetrating deeply into my being. He looks and he sees me and I realize very few have ever looked at me with such depth and stillness. His deep brown eyes, contrasted beautifully by his lovely snow white fox fur, are a bridge to an awakened being.

Alex is an unfathomable gift to me. He came to me accidently, while visiting a pet shop with a young autistic girl, we saw Alex. He was in a cage and within moments I knew I wanted him and so did Elise. He looked like and felt like our prince, stuck in a prison and I knew I must find the way to get him out of there quickly and bring him to his home.

He was on sale, which made it so much easier for my minimal salary. Within a day, he was mine and I was elated! He stayed with me, at times at Elise’s condo, as I taught her and him how to be more independent.

There came a time soon after that I became very ill. I was living in an unhealthy home and became very weak and sick inside. After awhile, I was unable to cook for myself and spent a lot of my day and night resting.

Always, Alex was by my bed playing, joyfully amusing himself with anything he could find. Alex made me smile, he was the reason I got stronger. I new his sweet, young, joy for life presence needed me to get up from my sickness and live again. It took many, many months, but I know Alex saved my life.

We had many adventures in nature and Alex learned the ways of being wild and of being free spirited. He was mature and could hold his own in the wild. Many times he protected me from dogs much bigger than he. He was 25 lbs. but never considered his size as being less than his immense bravery. His full name is Alexander, Michael, Snow Walker…after Alexander the Great, Archangel Michael and his immense joy for snow.

Always Alex watched me. He watched me make hundreds of meals and sampled many tasty delights while we cooked together. Me doing the cooking he supportively watching, always watching…the most caring, interested eyes. I said many times…you will probably come back as a great chef.

As I would ready myself for the many dates and activities I would venture out on…Alex watched me. Many times I sensed him wondering why I made such a fuss about my clothes and make up. Other times I knew he wished I would just stay home with him. Many people have come and gone in my life and it is always Alex that has been here with me and for me. Always has he been here with me and for me. Always.

No matter when I would get my energy up enough to go for a walk with him…he was ready and always happy to go with me. Even if weeks of my weakness inhibited me from walking. The moment I was ready, he was ready. Always.

My tears and sadness are that I didn’t recognize the immense loyalty that my companion Always had for me. So many people, so many experiences have come and gone in my life and Alex has accompanied me through it all. I have endured immense painful transformations for many years and Alex has always made his presence available.

Now it is his time to make peace with his life. His lovely, strong, agile body is weak. The coughing from the congestive heart failure and his kidneys weakening are taking him from me. When he is moving he is still strong; the fluid circulates and he is not choking.

Today we played in the snow. he jumped and ran, put his nose in and out of the deep snow and tried so strongly to make me happy and show that his beautiful joyful spirit is still here. His body is weak and surely he is exhausted from coughing most of the night and from high dosages of lasix weakening his kidneys…yet he is still my little champion.

I am having the hardest time being strong right now for him. I so long to keep him near me forever. To always feel his soft long white fear on my fingertips, to see his lovely penetrating eyes telling me how much he loves me. I have lost so much this life, but to lose Alex is unfathomable to me.

I ask for the grace of all the light beings with me and my beloved Alex through this. Let me be strong and joyful for Alex while he is still near me. Let me find my joy for life that he brought to me 16 years ago as was stuck in a near death state. Please help me offer this blessed being the gift of my unconditional love as he chooses when he is to go.

I have already transitioned trough shock and denial. There’s this vague illusion that he may stay longer. 4 years ago we cleared terminal cancer from his body and saved his leg from being amputated. I realized how powerful we are together. Alex defied death. The powerful, expensive oncologist from the Fort Collins University hospital strongly declared he would be dead within months, that he should absolutely have his leg amputated, followed by chemo and still he would probably not have long.

Alex and I refused this prognosis and we beat the incurable cancer. Alex kept his lovely leg and continued to climb many mountains with it. Several years after, he was found to have absolutely no cancer in his body. Alex and Andrea beat death together many times.

Now it is his time and I so wish for my inner child that absolutely adores him that I could keep my beloved creature near to me forever. She pleads inside please grim reaper don’t take my favorite creature…truly he is all I have. And I must be strong and say…he will be in your heart forever sweet Andrea. The love you have together is beyond time, beyond the body, beyond this world. You will know this to be true.

Already, I want to know how will I contact him? How will I reach my beloved? Will he find me?

So many clients I have helped through death of their loved ones, yet, it is still so heart breaking.

Who will lead me through this painful passage as I have helped so many.

Sweet Alex is my work companion, my cooking companion, my sleeping companion, my emotional strength, my beloved…who has keenly, kindly and intently watched and accompanied me through all the stages of transformation into awakening. He wants me to be happy.

He wants me to know that finally I am at home in myself. That our work together has brought us home together.

No greater companion could there ever be for me. Implicitly I am one with him. I hold this awareness dearly to my heart, as I try so hard to smile at him through swollen tear streaked eyes. He is and will always be my joy, my strength and my beloved companion.

I am with you always my dear love.

Andrea

Blooming…

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Often I feel weary of my connections with people. Sometimes i just want to curl up in my bed and cry. I have been plagued with feelings of emptiness and aloneness.  Just wanting to run and escape, like everyone around me. Or just put my head in the ground like an ostrich and scream where no one will hear or even care if I am alive.
Human suffering seems to be a pervasive theme in my life. Deepening into the dark corridors of my souls journey, where dark is reflected in my loved one’s sufferings and where a reprieve is but a moments breathing space and diving inward deeper and deeper, peeling through the layers of unloved, unaccepted self…mirrored in fear based imagery in my life where life turns around every corner…what appears dark becomes light, what appears light is superficial play dissolving into the whaling of all the unheard cries for the tortured animals, sexually used girls, lonely women, old folks with no one to hold, unheard cries of the street person…and yet, for now , this planet is my home.

I care so deeply at times, i feel my heart will burst open a flood of torrential tears, for all i cannot hold, or the tears i cannot wipe away, for all the screams in the night from young girls raped by strangers.

And yet, with all my hearts breaking there is love, always there is love, more and more love…learning to love it all, a planet that turns its back to all but the young, the good looking, the wealthy, the charming.

So, I wonder, the innocence with in my heart wonders, what is this pain that wishes to love, to love this planet all the way home, to where we remember. The final remembrance.

The one heart that embraces all of humanity through her golden enchanting love. Permeating the vast, expansive pain that this planet is. Gently, tenderly knowing that there is a reason.

How else are we to know the greatest, the finest, the divine essence of our nature without the utter and complete absence. This absence is calling, calling forth the love within us all to arise, to permeate all our frozen places, to emminate with grace. To warm the corridors of your heart, to fill them to where they begin to overflow, with greater ease and then with full grace…in all the ways that lighten and brighten each souls burdenous journeys.

To simply touch another is to invoke divine ecstacy…when the touch eminates from the souls infinite divinity. And so we touch and we pray and we dance and we know not when the grace will move in and through our own soul, yet we continue to touch, to reach, to embrace this blessed planet, not knowing who we help or bless, but truly knowing that without love there would be no meaning to being here.

With love, the seeds move through the darkened, hardened soil and with nurturance from sunshiny radiance and moist dew and the kind words of appreciation of the seed sowers the plant arises and then in all her glory she blooms for all to see. Her majestic radiance a true eye catcher to all passersby.

With awe and wonderment and true mystery i open my heart to all that is knowing i am as a child of innocence and so i love, i love and i love and the dew streaks my cheeks when i behold a seed having made it through the darkened, hardened soul and i so long to help each one, as if children of my own and then one pops through and i can offer my tender words of love and encouragement and then one more and another and then we are shining, one to the other…enveloped in the arms of grace…we bloom, radiant passengers of a long and weary journey over many, many lifetimes, and yet, we are here. We have arrived. We are the awakenend ones.