Losing a Beloved One

Grief from the imminent loss of a loved one is so painful. I feel it tearing through my heart and burning my lungs, swelling my eyes and yet, here he lies on the floor in front of me. So much love yet, so much fear of losing this package of unconditional love. So much sadness and joy in both of our eyes. He has brought so much love and joy into my heart and now it is shifting…his body is tired and paining him.

I cannot hold my beloved here in this suffering. Yet, I do not know how to let him go. The thought of his leaving is so painful, yet…to hold him now is with fully open hands. To love him but not cling. To treasure every rise and fall of his breath. He is with me and I with him. We share this painful release together as we have shared most everything together for 16 years.

Oh why must those we love have to leave us? He is my blessing, my love. I have always called him my love. I treasure him beyond all words, thoughts, feelings and actions. Truly there is not much I could say here that would capture the true meaning of his presence in my life. This brave, wonderous, innocent being is my blessing. I have treated him as my prince.

He is a prince among all…still he is my champion as he jumps up goes out and romps in the snow with me. Eyes bright, strong, beautiful stance. I almost forget the pain he is in.

And this is what he wishes for me to forget for mere moments and remember his bright shining presence that has led me out into the world as my copilot for 16 years.
Now I must pick myself up and be strong and find my way without seeing or touching him.

Yet, here he lays by my feet…I treasure this innocence for as long as it may last. Alex died on winter solstice. He was 16 1/2. I hear him at times speaking to me in the most loving ways. I treasure him always…and so he is here in my heart and soul eternally.

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