Alone in Silence

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Sometimes we have to crawl out of a hole and risk looking up again to see what we are really made of. Life has ups and downs and turn arounds and when we are spry we can dance and move through all this with grace, at other times it’s hard to know what up is. So we calculate and strategize, tell ourselves stories and fearful lies.

Even knowing what up is can be quite perplexing. Maybe we are in a life experience that feels jumbled and crazy and we respond by being arrogant and lazy. Often there are many choices, which way to go, how to fly? So we look around at all we’ve created and we become honest about all that we’ve hated. We begin to see that there’s more than just little me.

We let friends in and we notice our dog, we sit still for a moment and write a blog. Than it begins to flow and my sense of self starts to grow. I’m not alone in all this silence. There’s really aliveness that is living through me and I feel my link to all of eternity. I gradually let go and simply just know that each little word is setting me free…to just be.

I look again and now I am more…I feel my love and things I adore. I’m fond of so much and yet I can see that to know real love is to truly be free. So I remember I have been here so many times before and I’ve well rehearsed stepping through this door. I sit quite still now and simply breathe and allow spirit to picking me up from my knees. The loneliness is real it pangs in my heart and yet I know this is a refreshing start. A life free to live all that is mine and to release and set free all to the divine.

I know this well and yet, I still struggle. What is this dance that drops me in a puddle? That confuses my mind and leaves me with rubble? Where is the elegance, the peace and the joy? Why do I feel like a puppet or toy? Again, I pause and ask more deeply, What is this all about? Why do I want to scream and shout? Let me out, let me out. Alas I fall down and finally let go. The silence is surreal, the emptiness aglow.

Again I look around and I see I’m still here…only what’s left…nothing to fear. I breathe a deep sigh and realize all is well…no more lies. I move more slowly and not as lonely. I feel a comfort begin to enter and open gently to the touch of emptiness…entering my being and surrounding my soul. Is this the dance of becoming whole?

I wonder a moment and now this is gone…I’ve awaited and put off and escaped from this moment for far too long. It’s not what I thought, the lies were deep…melting into this…is like a long lost sleep. It’s restful and quiet and empty of words. It’s here for me now and welcoming me home…to be here and alone in silence.

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