Tag Archives: aloneness

Gentleness is Strength

awakening

When I feel my vulnerability…I tremble inside. There is a subtle terror in revealing one’s self. Allowing the masks to drop and unveiling what is most real, can feel pretty scary. It’s like walking around partially naked and feeling like everyone sees that you are different. Noticing that everyone else has on their familiar persona and you are alone in your simplicity.

Sometimes there are others who see, understand and relate. Usually, most people feel a bit uneasy around a defenseless being. Probably because they feel their own protective masks and need to play them out regardless. They seem to get that you aren’t really interested in playing out their game any longer and are not sure what else to do.

I just continue to be imperfectly naked in the ways that are allowing my facades to  drop and to pass through. I am what I am, no more, no less. Not too interested in the greed game or the I’m important because game or the I’m a victim game. Just being here and allowing less to be enough. It allows for a simpler orientation. Not a lot of big story too fill in all the space with. The dramatic responses are becoming  irrelavent and not that interesting.

Who are we without all this. There is a feeling of emptiness that is quite different from being in the stories of the world. A quiet that is a deep aloneness. Sometimes lonely, usually just quiet and every once in a while mind chatter seeking to engage with someone.

Although there is less of a need to engage with anyone’s stories. They are so much of the same old victim paradigm. Not really much new. Then I meet someone and I can feel their heart participating and there’s sincere eye contact and a shared inner knowing that is palpable.

Then the words don’t really matter much. There is an easy natural connection. No one trying to impress or downplay or strategize…just a simple knowing. It’s easier this way. I walk away feeling met and seen. Now being naked is an honest revealing.

There is true strength in this form of gentle connection. Deeper, more aware, penetrating moments piercing through to the fabric of existence. There is a shared knowing which transcends all the misunderstandings of this world. This is communion, deep and real.

Then it is gone. Or is it?  This may actually be a doorway which when opened allows for more true union. Human beings long to belong, to be seen, to get it right and to be good enough. What if we are already home, fully loved and accepted and we just need to be brave enough to be what we are.

When we are transparent in this, we are becoming what we have always been and always will be. Perfectly imperfect beings. Never will we be good enough or get it right in the standards of this world. Yet, we will always strive to hit an even greater mark. Until we realize there truly is no target, we spin the wheels of the mind endlessly stratagizing the next great  conquest. We call this strength.

Of course it seems to take great strength to continue these pursuits.  We are considered brave when the hunter shoots the lion and puts his head on the wall.

How absurd is this strength that ceaselessly tries to get the advantage in the situation.  True bravery comes from revealing and living from the heart. Not superficially, but, rather from a deeper unwinding of the heart. Through so many lifetimes, the heart has been jammed up by the head. Rarely allowed to demonstrate its true strength. We, go along lifetime after lifetime until finally there is a breakthrough. The heart is now here and boy does it hurt.

We have much heartache, betrayal, abandonment, abuse that we have experienced and that we have inflicted. True  courage is allowing the heart to feel again, to breathe life into this beautiful, humble servant.

This is where true strength begins to arise. When we are willing to feel this pain and to forgive it and to love again. This is where real life begins and drama ends. Yes, it hurts…more than anything. Yet, without this remarkable companion life is deadened and the old drama stories get very old. When the heart becomes freer of the old, numbing ways, there is a refreshing, new start. There is a newness, an innocence that is vulnerable, free and open.

Courage comes from the French word ‘cour’ meaning heart. They are inseparable. There is no true courage without the heart. There is mental play…which when felt into is quite superficial. The realm of the heart runs all the way to the soul. They are aligned.

The heart responds to the urgings of the soul.  Which again, can leave one feeling quite alone. The callings, guidance and simple whisperings of the heart are in a different language than the mind. They are far more simple, yet they are profound in their ability to quickly break through the illusions of this world. For this is the greatest tool to awakening which we as human beings have. You would think that a tool this amazing would be commonly employed.

Most are afraid of the true strength and power of the heart. It’s rewards are quite different than that of the mind. Love is not considered a strength in most of the world.

To be gentle is not a power tool, so it is used very infrequently. Rarely is it even eminating from the heart center.  When it is,  it can and will open doors in ways that create the most beautiful transformation for the soul.

This is the mystery, the magic and the magnificence of who we truly are. From the center of our hearts, the soul enters and shifts reality drastically. Who or whatever you think you are is eradicated and adjusted into a human being capable of extraordinary miracles.

These may not add up to millions of dollars or a new Mercedes, but, I assure you, you will feel a shift in reality that will ‘blow your mind’ open.

Once this opening occurs, you will know what you are. Once this is experienced there is a longing for this to become one’s home eternally and truly it is this.

Yet, there is still necessary shedding of the identity that  will then allow more and more and more heartfelt presence. There are moments or passages where there is a reprieve from this healing, but those who are here to awaken usually only get small breathers.

This unwinding of the ego is painful, yet there is an ever increasing simplicity to orient from. This gentle simplicity is your strength, with less and less story to defend, there is more and more presence to live from. Strength becomes gentleness becomes strength.

To your strength;

Andrea
303-545-5485

Trusting this Dance

beauty
Finding ourselves is a deep, lonely, often painful walk into the unknown. There is an almost constant feeling of shedding skin…more and more and more. Often, I am unrecognizable. There is no landing. Just a deeper and deeper dropping into. Nothing to hold onto…we fall into this abyss. Or so it feels to be a dark emptiness. Rarely would you meet anyone who would understand this or even want to. The aloneness feels unnerving at times, yet, superficial connections feel boring.

I am here, yet, I do not know what i am at this point. There is so much shedding that I am raw and I feel a pervasive sadness for having undertaken this life. Had I known it would hurt this much I would never have begun. That this undoing would rip all meaning from my life and leave me so vulnerably naked. That my hot tears will bring no relief…I know. At this point all one can do is shed the tears, helping the lingering fears to soften, to melt. I would wish this pain on no one. Yet, I know this is for everyone. There is the undeniable awareness that we will all journey a similar path of undoing.

I walk ahead and may it lighten the load of those that follow. A reprieve is here. I am softer, a deeper layer broken through…a painful wall relinquished. And so it is…walls, barriers, pain, suffering, sadness, release, reprieve…new territory. I am a bit relieved. I am still here in someway. Yet, I know nothing of what I am.
What is there now…there is only trust. All else is empty.

So, I feel inward and I ask for help. Help me be here now. I cry…so lonely in this passage. Lonely in so many ways, for so long, for so many days. Letting go of old ways, of past days, of memories, of people, of hopes, of dreams.
I am an empty basket…not needing to be filled…just letting the tears melt what’s left.

I don’t know where I am going. I don’t really know where I’ve been. I am learning to trust in my heart and this moment. Breathe with me…let’s be with the tenderness within our hearts…just breathing…slowing down…breathing even more slowly…gently. What does it feel like to trust? Does it mean dropping into the smallest form of connection…like our breathe? Does it mean letting this be enough for this moment? Just breathing. Fear waves moving through…yet, still trusting that my breath is enough. I feel some bodily pain and my mind resisting…just breathing into all this…trusting.

Like a frightened child trusts their mommy’s soft voice ‘everything is going to be ok sweet heart.’ We learn to trust this breath and to treasure this simple way home. We trust that we will breathe and it will be ok. We will still be here in someway, in some form. We change, we evolve, we unwind, we unfold. There is presence here now. We trust that we are this presence and although it hurts like crazy mad, we still trust that this homecoming is what we are here for. The old ways just don’t work well anymore. The games are dried out, empty. No real escapes left, no one to blame…just this letting go and this rising trust.

Beginning as simple as breath, then simple noticing, I am here…some heart ache beginning to soften, a little more ease and even some grace…beautiful music playing and I feel I am beginning to dance again. To rise up from the ashes of a worn out life, yet, again and again and again…I arise for this dance. Gracefully, like a rose subtly beginning to bloom…her petals delicately opening to the morning sun…calling her exquisiteness forth.

It is time…time to open, my dear. Breathe and trust that you are here. What was no longer needed has fallen away.
Death in all her powerful surrender has taken what has worn out away from you and now you may live again. A new life begins…lighter and yet, she is wary…how will she dance now. Where will she dance? With whom will she dance? Tears for all those she has loved and released. All those she wished to dance forever with…leaving the dance floor. She dances every move from the pain of her hearts grieving for all those she has loved and released… so many souls, for so many lifetimes. Once again she dances alone…never wanting to feel this again, yet, knowing this is human love. To love with all our hearts and to dance this fully into our magnificence.

We are so old. Have known and loved so many, yet, the truest dance is within this aloneness, where our hearts are broken open and now the sun begins to shine once again. There is new ground…a settling of the emotional waves and a resting. There is no need to dance right now…just trust. Simply breathing into the life, death and rebirth which is dancing us now.

Empty

ripples

Feel into the quality of your inner world. Notice what challenges and obstacles and feelings are within your world. Now imagine just for a few moments that you could just wish all this away. Now there’s a clean slate, an empty drawing board. Simply breathe into this emptiness…allow it to be empty for just these few moments. Deepen into yourself more and more fully, until your sense of self gets blurry and then poof it’s gone. Like magic what you think you are is gone and there is nothing here.

How is it to be empty of all that you are use to carrying. The habitual drama and ceaseless mental interpretations of reality are pausing…there is this moment and this moment…just breathing into this moment fully. When your mind wanders come back home to this breath…take it in fully. Let this be enough for right now. Feel into more silence, deepen into this absence of story. Feel the quality of stillness of not needing to do anything for just this moment. It’s refreshing…like passing rain on a warm summer’s day leaves everything clean and clear. Let this peace rain all over inside you…cooling and soothing your overactive mind. No need to fill this moment with anyone else, just you, what’s truly you. This deep, well of silence.

Just allowing this silence to fill in all the old drama places and ceaseless mental traces. They are fleeting ghosts passing through now. Let them pass…they have no hold on you in this your true nature. Just passing through sometimes jingling a chain or two, trying to get you to respond. All these old stories, mind thoughts, feelings, memories are just these old ghosts taking up residence in your inner sanctuary.

You are not here to live old memories of yourself or others. You are here to be free each and every moment to engage from this refreshing presence. Turn your back on these ghosts…forgive them for what you thought they did that imprisoned you and them. Surrender them…set them all free.

Once the ghosts settle down and realize you are no longer interested and have stopped replaying the old tapes, they will cease to exist. You may be wondering, what am I without all this ‘stuff’? My question is what are with all this baggage? These ghosts are heavy and they haunt your every move. They are filters that you look at life through and they distort what is real and what is true.

Just for this moment allow them all to be free…every last one. Do this with me…I release all that is past and gone…I forgive and set free all these attachments. See yourself just simply walking by all these ghosts…hundreds, thousands…walk by them now. Keep walking, walk towards the emptiness. Keep moving more deeply into the emptiness, the spaciousness, the silence.

You may still be able to hear them in the background whispering for you to come back to look again and again and make them come alive again and play them out in your life so they become ‘real’ again. I ask you now…is this real, is this reality? Are we just too afraid to let go and find ourselves at home in a peaceful reality? Are we addicted to pushing the replay button and to ceaselessly circling round and round doing the ghost dance, shaking those chains and watching the old bones come alive. Must we live through the dead filter of old memories? Are we afraid there will be nothing left if we let go?

Let’s find out…if you are with me this far, then feel in deeply into the deepest emptiness that is here in this moment…devoid of all. What is still here? This that is here now, what remains is interconnected with all…the all that is empty, the all that is full. But the clinging is easing, the grasping, the relentless trying to make life happen on all these old terms. This is gone…now there is a newness an opening into this moment. This is new. This is without memory or mind…this is full with reality. From this vantage point, you can see, feel and touch existence from within you…soon there is no within you or outside you and now there is no you.

An empty vessel is a blessing. It is freedom from all the illusion. There is no other freedom. No amount of money, love or even health will set you free in this way. Until one has realized…touched, felt, tasted, made love to this, there is still suffering…a perpetual grasping for what can never truly be our home.

This is always here awaiting your disillusionment with the outer world…awaiting your surrender into the void of silence…where all stories cease to exist, where the quiet is breathtaking, where at last in this moment…I am home itself.

It’s from here this inner sanctuary that we truly live. All else is attempts at finding this home in the outer world. When this passage is fully embraced, home is experienced everywhere. The boundaries drop and all is seen and experienced from this awakening to what is. We enter each moment as if it has just rained and left us a clean, clear refreshing encounter with life.

many blessings;

Andrea Jackson
www.RadiantAwarness.com
303-545-5485

Alone in Silence

flamingo

Sometimes we have to crawl out of a hole and risk looking up again to see what we are really made of. Life has ups and downs and turn arounds and when we are spry we can dance and move through all this with grace, at other times it’s hard to know what up is. So we calculate and strategize, tell ourselves stories and fearful lies.

Even knowing what up is can be quite perplexing. Maybe we are in a life experience that feels jumbled and crazy and we respond by being arrogant and lazy. Often there are many choices, which way to go, how to fly? So we look around at all we’ve created and we become honest about all that we’ve hated. We begin to see that there’s more than just little me.

We let friends in and we notice our dog, we sit still for a moment and write a blog. Than it begins to flow and my sense of self starts to grow. I’m not alone in all this silence. There’s really aliveness that is living through me and I feel my link to all of eternity. I gradually let go and simply just know that each little word is setting me free…to just be.

I look again and now I am more…I feel my love and things I adore. I’m fond of so much and yet I can see that to know real love is to truly be free. So I remember I have been here so many times before and I’ve well rehearsed stepping through this door. I sit quite still now and simply breathe and allow spirit to picking me up from my knees. The loneliness is real it pangs in my heart and yet I know this is a refreshing start. A life free to live all that is mine and to release and set free all to the divine.

I know this well and yet, I still struggle. What is this dance that drops me in a puddle? That confuses my mind and leaves me with rubble? Where is the elegance, the peace and the joy? Why do I feel like a puppet or toy? Again, I pause and ask more deeply, What is this all about? Why do I want to scream and shout? Let me out, let me out. Alas I fall down and finally let go. The silence is surreal, the emptiness aglow.

Again I look around and I see I’m still here…only what’s left…nothing to fear. I breathe a deep sigh and realize all is well…no more lies. I move more slowly and not as lonely. I feel a comfort begin to enter and open gently to the touch of emptiness…entering my being and surrounding my soul. Is this the dance of becoming whole?

I wonder a moment and now this is gone…I’ve awaited and put off and escaped from this moment for far too long. It’s not what I thought, the lies were deep…melting into this…is like a long lost sleep. It’s restful and quiet and empty of words. It’s here for me now and welcoming me home…to be here and alone in silence.