Finding ourselves is a deep, lonely, often painful walk into the unknown. There is an almost constant feeling of shedding skin…more and more and more. Often, I am unrecognizable. There is no landing. Just a deeper and deeper dropping into. Nothing to hold onto…we fall into this abyss. Or so it feels to be a dark emptiness. Rarely would you meet anyone who would understand this or even want to. The aloneness feels unnerving at times, yet, superficial connections feel boring.
I am here, yet, I do not know what i am at this point. There is so much shedding that I am raw and I feel a pervasive sadness for having undertaken this life. Had I known it would hurt this much I would never have begun. That this undoing would rip all meaning from my life and leave me so vulnerably naked. That my hot tears will bring no relief…I know. At this point all one can do is shed the tears, helping the lingering fears to soften, to melt. I would wish this pain on no one. Yet, I know this is for everyone. There is the undeniable awareness that we will all journey a similar path of undoing.
I walk ahead and may it lighten the load of those that follow. A reprieve is here. I am softer, a deeper layer broken through…a painful wall relinquished. And so it is…walls, barriers, pain, suffering, sadness, release, reprieve…new territory. I am a bit relieved. I am still here in someway. Yet, I know nothing of what I am.
What is there now…there is only trust. All else is empty.
So, I feel inward and I ask for help. Help me be here now. I cry…so lonely in this passage. Lonely in so many ways, for so long, for so many days. Letting go of old ways, of past days, of memories, of people, of hopes, of dreams.
I am an empty basket…not needing to be filled…just letting the tears melt what’s left.
I don’t know where I am going. I don’t really know where I’ve been. I am learning to trust in my heart and this moment. Breathe with me…let’s be with the tenderness within our hearts…just breathing…slowing down…breathing even more slowly…gently. What does it feel like to trust? Does it mean dropping into the smallest form of connection…like our breathe? Does it mean letting this be enough for this moment? Just breathing. Fear waves moving through…yet, still trusting that my breath is enough. I feel some bodily pain and my mind resisting…just breathing into all this…trusting.
Like a frightened child trusts their mommy’s soft voice ‘everything is going to be ok sweet heart.’ We learn to trust this breath and to treasure this simple way home. We trust that we will breathe and it will be ok. We will still be here in someway, in some form. We change, we evolve, we unwind, we unfold. There is presence here now. We trust that we are this presence and although it hurts like crazy mad, we still trust that this homecoming is what we are here for. The old ways just don’t work well anymore. The games are dried out, empty. No real escapes left, no one to blame…just this letting go and this rising trust.
Beginning as simple as breath, then simple noticing, I am here…some heart ache beginning to soften, a little more ease and even some grace…beautiful music playing and I feel I am beginning to dance again. To rise up from the ashes of a worn out life, yet, again and again and again…I arise for this dance. Gracefully, like a rose subtly beginning to bloom…her petals delicately opening to the morning sun…calling her exquisiteness forth.
It is time…time to open, my dear. Breathe and trust that you are here. What was no longer needed has fallen away.
Death in all her powerful surrender has taken what has worn out away from you and now you may live again. A new life begins…lighter and yet, she is wary…how will she dance now. Where will she dance? With whom will she dance? Tears for all those she has loved and released. All those she wished to dance forever with…leaving the dance floor. She dances every move from the pain of her hearts grieving for all those she has loved and released… so many souls, for so many lifetimes. Once again she dances alone…never wanting to feel this again, yet, knowing this is human love. To love with all our hearts and to dance this fully into our magnificence.
We are so old. Have known and loved so many, yet, the truest dance is within this aloneness, where our hearts are broken open and now the sun begins to shine once again. There is new ground…a settling of the emotional waves and a resting. There is no need to dance right now…just trust. Simply breathing into the life, death and rebirth which is dancing us now.